I want to believe.

I lost my ideals. But not anymore.
I stopped believing in humanity. But not anymore.
I don’t see any reason in doing anything. But not anymore.

It’s funny, how I have to look to my past self to realize this. I probably have realized this a long, long time ago.

The world is not ideal. Never was, never will. In fact, it’s probably only going to get even worse. But sulking and hating ain’t gonna solve a thing. The world may lack one, but I will hold my ideals firmly. Not because it is the truth. But because it is the truth I seek, and I sought to create.

And I want to believe one more time in humanity, as Amuro Ray said once.

Call me pretentious, but I will continue on.

And now, for my sad, past self…

…and as a reminder for myself if I ever lost direction again.

If you ask me, my life is slowly going to the wrong direction. Just about everything went haywire. I’m sure my academic performance is going to plummet even further. Now I see other people’s bad sides. Now I know how lazy and ignorant some of them can be, and now I know how some of them can and will backstab you in the back just for their own sake, never caring about you in the first place.

But regardless, I’m still smiling.

I am happy. I am thankful.  I don’t know how I could still smile after all this. Perhaps it’s just self pity. I don’t know, and probably never will, like everything else in the world.

My life, our life, is a mess, can’t agree with you better.  But I’m smiling. I’m trying to. And I can feel it: I am changing, for the better. Is it because I grow up?  Is it because I vowed to myself to? Again, I don’t know. But I’m happy.

I am happy, or at least trying to be, while looking for more happiness.

To my future, happy, self.

Dear my future self: If you think your life is happy, awesome, and successful, and you remember about this place, please do your past self a favor and read this one.

Sometimes, you ‘d stop and think ‘Man, my life is good.’ Or ‘Whoa, this life of mine is fantastic, just fantastic.’ Or even ‘Hot damn, my life is fucking awesome.’

Damn. DAMN.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCK

Alone

And again, here I am, alone by myself.

So. This term. It sucks.

I’m going to say it again: this term sucks. Badly. Right from the start to finish.

Calm down.

Lately, I can’t control my emotions quite right. I raged just because a friend pulled an old joke. I pretty much ‘assaulted’ him via the internet, even though i know it’s just a joke. And i raged for every other  little things deep inside.

A totally unexpected random post in a totally unimportant random blog. Don’t you even wonder why the writer don’t just write this totally randomly?

I bet you didn’t expect this. Obviously, we’re talking about an unattended blog with the last update dated around four or five months ago. At this point someone expecting a new post is just a stupid moron with nothing else to do in his life, or a really really really dedicated stalker. I’m not sure which one is better. Or whether the two of them is actually different.

Of course, with a post comes a question: so what are we posting about? Honestly, I don’t know. As usual. I just impulsively open my blog and said to myself, “A HA! I’M GOING TO POST SOMETHING ON THIS BLOG!” open the ‘Add New Post” menu, and then spacing around for a minute thinking “So, uh… what are we going to talk about again?”. So there you go, you got your reasons.

Oh wait, I just found something to talk about.

Let’s talk about pressure. Or stress.

Holiday Assignments: How I Work It Out

Long story short, setelah bulan pertama kuliah di bulan Ramadhan yang menyenangkan, liburan akhirnya datang.

Happy? But of course. Kinda wished it would last a bit longer though.

But eniwei, liburan ini memberikan gw banyak waktu luang…well, ngga banyak-banyak amat, tapi lo tau lah gw gimana…. Sehingga gw lagi-lagi hadir di sini buat iseng ngetik ga jelas di blog kesayangan gw yang masih belum keurus designnya (suatu saat nanti…. *menatap ke arah horizon*).

Jadi, ijinkan gw (like i need permission to begin with) buat ngebahas tentang tugas-tugas yang dengan setia mengganggu, er, meramaikan liburan gw.

Desire to Win: A Loser’s Tale

~Ignore this post as usual.

The desire to win is a human’s inherent traits. Deep inside, everyone wants to be a better person on something than other people around him.

As weird and quirky as i am, i am also a human that have said desire to win.

With that said, i go to that competition with high confidence and high spirit. Confidence on how i might grasp victory with my own hands. Not any ordinary victory, but a hard-fought one you get from giving your all. I am not the loser i am last month. I am a competitor, with equal chances to grab victory like everyone else. I might not be at the top, but i will fight to the end to a place where i can see the top proudly.

And so i go, realizing it fully that i have near-zero experience and near-zero knowledge.

But still, I go, confident as always.

As expected, everything go against the plan. My ‘rich’ knowledge gained from ‘deep’ and ‘intense’ researches fall flat on the opponent’s counterattack. Still, i continue to fight, leading my partner, believing that we still can win this, this is just the beginning!

It took not so long of a time for me to realize how wrong i am. I stumble to the very bottom, forced to see my comrades rise to the top with pointless envy seeing how obviously superior they are.

Yet i am still confident. I still believe i can lead my partner to rise higher on my next try.

I did. I manage to stand as the second winner on my next try.

Yet, it is not a desirable victory.

At all.
It was a loser’s battle, with the obvious winner rising to the top by himself and the other three pair of losers, including ourselves, fighting each other deciding who should tail the winner.

Yet i am still confident. I still believe i can lead my partner to rise higher, at least a little bit on my next try.

I realized how wrong i was. We was crushed ferociously, similar on how me and my teammate lost last month. At that moment, my confidence finally shattered. I finally realized how i will never win this. I finally have given up on everything.

It was an obvious defeat until the other side of the bench rise spectacularly to the first place, dragging us from the bottom to the second place. But of course it is not a desirable victory, let alone if you can call it a victory. It’s more like a pity rather than a victory.

By the end of the day, i have lost everything. My confidence, my hope, everything. I am nothing more than a loser, lying down at the very bottom of the mountain, thinking about my comrades somewhere in the mountain looking at the top, with me barely able to see them, let alone the top.

So i laugh, laughing at my once high, now shattered confidence. Laughin on my ‘rich’, yet destroyed in one blow, knowledge. Laughing on everything. Laughing on myself as a loser.

Yet i still believe, somewhere, someday, i will grasp the victory i desired. So i stand up one more time, hopefully not the last. I will fight again.

Winners never quit. Quitters never win. I just hope i am not the rare type that never quits and never wins.